Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
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