i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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