i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My ATM looks so different sober.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize