if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
