so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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