I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think your dad took our porno
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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