You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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