So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
