He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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