I smell stomach acid.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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