I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
