The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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