dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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