In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
