he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just want nice things and good sex
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
