I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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