margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
