that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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