I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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