It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
