so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
