Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
