I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
