someone get that fucking seahorse.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
