worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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