good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
