just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
