The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize