Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
