He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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