New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
