he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
