Where are you?
In a non slutty way
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
