i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
