All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
