The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
