Apparently you make a good broom.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
