i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
