I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
