Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
