I faked an abortion last night.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
