how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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