hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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