She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
