All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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