Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
