he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
They have beer where we have blood.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
