You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
