If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
