She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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