there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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