I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
