he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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