So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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