And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
