K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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