I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize