I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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