I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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