My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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