So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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