my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
