Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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